If you’ve been invited to your first funeral, it’s understandable to be worried about how to behave and what to expect. You’re sure to be frantically searching ‘funeral etiquette Australia‘. Funerals bring up a lot of emotions for those attending, so there are a few things you should do to avoid tension. We’ll go through dos and don’ts here, but we think it’s easy to follow, so try not to stress too much.
First, dress correctly for the funeral. While some people ask guests to wear bright clothes or a certain colour, most funerals call for dark clothes. If the funeral notice doesn’t mention a dress code, stick with smart black clothes. It’s best to be modest and classic, so dark suits and plain ties for men and a simple black dress for women. Keep your knees and shoulders covered, especially if the service is taking place in a religious building, and make sure not to wear noisy shoes or jewellery that could distract other mourners. Your goal is to blend in with the other mourners, so the focus is on the deceased person. You should also consider the expected weather and bring an extra layer or umbrella to ensure you’re not caught out. No one wants to be walking into a funeral service wet from rain and making a scene.
Speaking of walking into a funeral service, make sure you’re on time. The time given on a funeral notice will be the start time, so make sure you’re there a little earlier than that to get settled. You’ll likely be greeted by the immediate family of the person, so ensure you offer your condolences. Many people worry about what to say, but it’s more about the delivery. Make sure you look them in the eye and speak from the heart. Touch their hand or arm and offer a quick hug if you think it would help. ‘I’m sorry for your loss’ is a phrase we’ve heard a lot in films and TV shows, but it is appropriate if delivered well. Showing up on time and dressed appropriately will already show your respect, and your words here will just confirm it.
When deciding where to sit in a church or chapel of remembrance, note that the close family will be in the front rows. If you’ve been asked to give a reading, you should sit near the front so you can get up quickly when needed. Other than that, sit where you feel comfortable. If you’re sitting with people you know, make sure to talk with them at a quiet volume to be respectful to other mourners and don’t talk during the service.
After the service, a wake or celebration of life is a great time to share your memories of the person. Just ensure you’re giving others the same chance to speak, and if there are children present, make sure the story you want to tell is family-friendly.
Funeral services and life celebrations vary between religions and cultures. If you’ve been invited to one, make sure you’re aware of any specific customs before you arrive. This way, you can take part without being surprised or causing a scene. For example, at Italian Catholic funerals it’s traditional to show respect by kissing the deceased person on the cheek or forehead so these funerals are open casket.
Behaviours to Avoid at a Funeral
Now we’ve considered what to do, let’s think about what not to do. The most important thing is not to crack jokes unless appropriate. While you’re at the service, the atmosphere will likely be solemn, and you shouldn’t try to lighten the mood by joking, as you’ll likely offend other mourners. At the wake or similar event, people often end up laughing as the fun memories of the person come out. Jokes should still be thought about before delivering and should be relevant to the person, their favourite pun, for example. Before you try to tell a joke, make sure the people you’re with will be receptive to it. If they’ve only just stopped crying, just offer comfort and save the light-hearted topics for another time.
While we’ve all become used to the internet and our camera phones, a funeral is not the occasion for it. Taking photos could upset other mourners, and you don’t want to invade anyone’s privacy. You should avoid posting anything to social media, too; you should leave it up to the close family to decide if and when they share.
Finally, remember that a funeral can bring up a range of emotions in people. Everyone processes grief differently, and it can make some people angry or bring up petty upsets. If someone tries to bring you into an argument or drama, just walk away. Engaging in cross words will cause a scene, and that’s unfair to the family. All you need to do is turn up, act respectfully, and offer your condolences. If you do that, you’ll be following funeral etiquette in Australia.
How to Help the Bereaved
Depending on how close you are to the person and their family, you could offer to help with the funeral preparations. While the funeral company they work with will do a lot, there are a few jobs you could offer to help with if you have the right skills. You could create a video montage to show the person at their best during the service, or organise dietary requirements with the caterer. You could even just help them make some of their decisions when it comes to flowers and printed items, as grieving can make all tasks feel big. On the day of the funeral, you could bring a sympathy card, flowers if requested, and offer to help clear up afterwards. Once the funeral is over, you could offer to help with tasks like cooking, laundry, and picking children up from school. These tasks will help the family keep some routine while they adjust and begin to heal from their grief.
At Gardenia Funerals, we help people say goodbye to their loved ones in a meaningful, personalised service. Discover more about us here.